Over a year has passed since I’ve written… and there’s a reason for that. Most of the reason is because I knew what I needed to write and have avoided it like nobody’s business. But, here we are and I believe that God gives us certain stories so that in the right time we can share and encourage others through that.
Picture this – you have just gotten engaged to the love of your life, you are graduating and accepting a position in your dream job doing what you love, you are moving into a new place, and starting a ministry and career with the one you love. It looks picturesque from the outside. This was my life. While all of these changes were good things, I really struggled with these happening at the same time. Now I will be honest and say that there were some difficult things that happened during this time. Both for Justin’s family and for mine that really rocked our foundation of what we had known as our family for so long. The combination of these things spiraled and… I was depressed.
Let me say first and foremost that I am not sharing this out of sympathy or anything like that. I think it is extremely important to give grace to everyone because you never know their internal struggle. Mental health is something that can hide itself extremely well and at times I was able to mask mine like no other.
At this point, I was incredibly anxious going out in public, I had no friends in our new home and was too anxious to try and build those relationships, and honestly could not handle the thought of Justin leaving me at any point after I had gotten home from work. There were days when I would not leave the bed because that was like a safe zone for me. Once we were married, Justin handled everything. He cooked, he went to the grocery store, he tried to clean (lol), etc. He handled the situation with complete and utter grace and every night I came home he would do everything in his power to make me laugh and know that I was loved.
This became even scarier for me because I felt that because I was a “Pastor’s Wife” that I could not let anyone know what I was dealing with. I felt ashamed that I could not just “get better” over night. I wish I would not have had that mindset then but I think that there are probably so many others that have the same thought of being fearful to share that they are struggling. Let me say this… If you are struggling, there are people near you that want to help even if you feel like there is no one.
I say all that to say I am MUCH better now and through that dark season of life, God was there. In the moments where I felt like He wasn’t, he was already preparing the next season and the hilltops that were to come. Through that process I only grew closer to him and He held me so tight. The purpose of this blog is to encourage in any way possible and I hope that this helps someone. If you are reading this and need to talk to someone, I would love to talk anytime.
Thanks for reading ❤